Never apologize for how you feel. Despite what my dad says, I have every right to feel angry and pissed off whenver I @#$% well want to. It doesn't have to be logical. This is who I am. Right now.
My days are really starting to blur badly and today was no exception. The people would NOT STOP COMING! We thought we would have some moments of respite between our LOTRs but NOOOO. They came for Mona Lisa Smile, they came for gift certificates, they came for business buyouts all armed with 5$ megacards (which are of the devil.)
I knew we were going to be slammed so I made some emergency phone calls and got some extra people in...and wound up using every flippin' one of them...and during our biggest rush I was pulled aside by the manager of the theater and got lectured on over staffing.
"How come there are so many people on?"
"Uh, go look at the LINE!" (it was through all the stantions and halfway through the lobby.)
He looked startled, "There's a line?"
I can't wait for halfway through January and especially after Valentines (and oh how I loathe that made up holiday!) for things to slow down. Hopefully by then my portfolio will be in good enough condition I can send it out.
I think I'm suffering a bit of depression...maybe it's the NO SUNLIGHT, maybe it's the constant time at the theater, maybe it's ...well, it's a whole lot of things but tonight I'm sitting here feeling sad, angry, pissy and lonely all wrapped up into one ferocious angry ball.
How come I never get what I want?
(okay, I know that's not really true, but man it sure feels like it!)
Okay, let's rephrase...how come for the last TWO YEARS I haven't gotten anything I've really wanted? Seriously!
What on EARTH am I supposed to be learning here?
To not want? To not desire? To not push? To not TRY?!
Hey, thought you were going to be an animator the rest of your life? Ha ha! NO!
Every project I have worked on, every proposal I have pushed, every freakin' place I have applied, to be shut down again and again and again! Good GRIEF! I just think I'd like to curl down and DIE if I thought I am supposed to be working at a theater for the next 5 years. No way. No way in HELL!!!
The only thing I'm getting rewarded for is a job I never really wanted in the first place! It was supposed to be some temp thing to get me through the holidays of LAST YEAR!!! And I'm GOOD at it! That makes it somehow so much more WORSE!!!
And relationships? Well, hey. What have I learned? Right now don't want anything to do with those either because you won't get what you want with those either! Why do I BOTHER?!
Should I edit this entry? Probably. I'm over tired, I've been down a hard walk of memory lane and I have no cat at home to soothe me and I know I will be feeling better in the morning. Right now though, "Grrr...Arrr...."