I can't figure out if I genuinely like people or not. I think for the most part I do. I love idly chatting with poeple as they come up to buy their ticket. Quick meaningless encounters, they're a game to me. Can I make them smile? Can I pop them out of their status quo routine? I enjoy this game & know that I am good at it.
I think I am jumping out of an airplane because I want to feel something. That & have a new story to tell at parties. If I went to them. Which I don't.
I think I'm a positive person but I can't help but take notice of my own recent cartoons. They're extremely sarcastic and bitter. I know I partially draw cartoons as self therapy so I'm getting a little alarmed.
Pay no attention...
Back to liking people.
As soon as somebody starts wanting to really get ot know me I find I now freak out. I've been accused more than once of not trusting people which I think is a fair charge. I get mad when some want to peek behind the curtain.
The irony is I don't think there's really that much of a difference between "public charming self" and "private self." Maybe I'm really just an incredibly shallow person but I don't want people to know it.
If I can make a person laugh a lot they'll be satisified and leave me alone.
Why are virgins used in this analogy? How come it couldn't have been 10 people, or if it had to be gender specific, 10 women? It makes me wonder what the marriage customs were when the parable was first given.
I know the doors to the wedding feast were closed and it was the job of the bridegroom to go and collect those who were waiting outside the door. After he came and the doors were closed again they remained that way. No amount of banging and yelling could induce the doors to be opened again.
But again, why virgins? Were they not allowed in without male escort? Did married women get escorted to the wedding by their husbands?
I'm tired of hearing about weddings and marriage. (Better quit going to a YSA ward you say? Family wards are even worse.)
All I hear and see is how hard it is. I know that the harder an experience generally the greater the joy and satisfaction but I'm having a hard time wanting this.
The mission, art school, two of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. They are also the two I consider the most worthwhile. But I knew going into them, no matter how hard, they were going to be finite experiences. The mission...a year and a half. (It felt like a lifetime...but still the time went by.) Art school, three years, bam bam bam! (again, another lifetime but still...chronologically, only three years.)
Marriage though, that's eternity. YIKES!
I confess, all I see is the drudgery, the tedium, the "Groundhog Day" nature of the experience.
I love my sister and her family dearly. I can't imagine my life without my niece and nephews. I also can't comprehend ever living the life my sister has chosen.