It was a most enjoyable dinner. I got the beef curry which tasted shockingly a lot like my friends sweet potato curry. We talked about sweet potato curry and how I crave it and though I have the recipe I am hesitant to make it because the taste throws me back in time and I don't want to make any new memories with it unless I'm with the right people. We discussed some Sunstone articles (always thought provoking if sometimes a little out there,) I showed her my new completed ghetto book (nice to have it raved about. I think this last one has some rather good stuff in it,) We talked about differences between art and porn and perceptions. Note: I do ART.
She asked me if I was scared of anything.
I wasn't prepared for this question. Am I scared of anything? Truly? Beyond silly things like finding a mouse in your shower or jumping at shocker stuff in a halloween movie?
Jan is the sort of person I have to be totally honest with so even though the wisecracks fly fast and furious I am drawn back to giving real answers.
Am I scared of anything?
I was reminded of a night in Seattle. I had gone to see Sheri L. Dew (yay for Captain Dew!) and I was struck with a sense of "Do it NOW." I had been putting something off, fighting the impression of having to do it, rebelling against it, not wanting to follow though but that night I felt nearly crushed with the impression. You know what you are supposed to do. How can you expect blessings if you can not be obedient?
As soon as I said it out loud, back in Seattle, "I am supposed to give up my comic strip," that made it real. I had a good cry and talked to my two best friends who spontanously called me that night, just to check in, just to see how I was doing and their support and friendship and love bouyed me up and they let me mourn. Gotta love friends. But it was hard. I very nearly didn't do it. I didn't WANT to do it. I didn't understand why I was being asked this thing. Lord I believe. Help thou my unbelief.
I am scared of things like that.
I am scared of not having enough strength to do the hard things.