Something is seriously wrong.
I wonder what is going on with me that causes me to lurch so horribly from one end of the spectrum to the other. As I sat in the company of my friends last week...members of my school family...I tried to soak in as much of the camaraderie as I could. I knew it had to last me a while. I felt partially like a vampire trying to absorb the friendly banter, the unspoken understandings, the spoken memories... I felt it permeate me, going through me with a warmth I haven't felt in a very long time.
I do not miss school...but I miss the people, the sense of purpose, the knowledge of the immediate future. I miss knowing the requirements for going on. It is a comfortable thing knowing what is coming next.
I am grateful for the friendships, the time, the motivation...the energy but it has also seemed to make life so unbearable upon the return. How long must I feel in transition? When is it going to break?
I am absolutely certain there is something just around the corner...something's coming...something good. And when I hold to that blind faith and trust...good things happen...and I am chipper once again. I'm smart and I'm witty and I'm talented and I'm excited about my future. (I hate my present.) I'm pretty sure that's my default state. I'm pretty sure it's genuine. It seems to work pretty well anyway.
Other times though it feels like everything around me seems to be crashing down upon me...from work to hanging by a thread finances...it's to the point I can't even sleep at night. I haven't had nights filled with so much stress and thrashing since I was in junior high and would wake myself up in the middle night speaking out to my fears. At times I feel like I am a breath away from breaking down in uncontrollable sobs. And I can't because it doesn't accomplish anything.
I want someone to be there, to soothe me and my fears and tell me everything will be okay. Where is THAT coming from?! I'm convinced I should never write poetry.